The Silent Patient
by Loreley Clay
Summary: N's recovery is 'remarkable', they say. Touko visits him nearly every day, and it is to her that they attribute his healing- but there are still days where he never speaks. Post-game events, a musing on how N and Touko are dealing with what happened. And yes, Touko/N. (Apologies for summary...) Reads and reviews are loved!


**:Author's Note:**

**Ah, I'm very fond of this one. I wrote it quite some time ago, but it's one of those stories that no matter how many times I read over it, I never end up changing it. There's something in psychology about that, being unable to look at something from a different perspective maybe?  
**

**This is definitely a very possible way Touko and N's relationship would go, in my mind. But again, with the never-changing perspective!**

**I hope you enjoy this one. Reads and reviews are very much appreciated! Please, do let me know what you think, too. It matters a great deal to me! ^^  
(oh, and a note~ it's this story's first time on , but I have put it up elsewhere, so perhaps it will be familiar to some!)  
**

**~Loreley**

* * *

It was a silent day.

This fact was laid bare, obvious to Touko, from the very moment she stopped foot in the room.

N sat on the floor, legs crossed, beside his model train set. His chin rested on folded hands as his eyes followed the slowly moving train, exploring its miniature plastic world. The air was thick and unmoving, allowing only the light whirring of the motor in the train to penetrate it. Everything was still, save for that small, mechanical movement.

"Hello, N," Touko's voice seemed much too loud, slicing through the air and disturbing the peace in the atmosphere. It rang back to her, rebounding off the walls, mocking her and pushing her away. But she swallowed hard and convinced her feet to move forward, despite their cries to turn around and run back out into the hallway.

She stepped carefully around the toys and books that were scattered about the plush carpet, not wanting to hurt any of it, and at the same time, not wanting to make any further sound.

By this day she had come on several of the silent days, and though she had built up a careful tolerance to them, they still unsettled something deep inside of her. Every day that she came, he was different- there were the angry days, the days filled with pent-up frustration, and there were the crying days, drenched in inconsolable tears, and there were the silent days. Of all, Touko dreaded the silent days the most.

Though she had broken the safe cocoon of the silence, N did seem grateful to see her. He turned away from his toys, from the distractions, and his eyes met hers. Touko felt her stomach tie up in knots. A heavy curtain fell behind those eyes, making them appear shallow, almost devoid of life. They were their same deep blue, as always, but they were missing the sparkle that they usually possessed, the mischievous glint that Touko had come to like so much.

N blinked. This was as much greeting as Touko would get, on a day such as this. A blink of those flat, lifeless eyes. His lips were a tight, firm line; they would never part, at least, not for quite some time.

"How are you doing, today?" Touko asked, trying to keep her voice from shaking as she sat down carefully beside the young man on the floor. It hurt so much to see him like this. Even when he cried, at least then she could _do_ something- when he was silent, she felt powerless.

Another blink of the eyes. N tilted his head a little to the side and he bit his lip. For just a moment, Touko felt excitement flare up inside- was he going to speak? But she was soon disappointed, as he only shook his head, a minute motion, barely detectable.

"I'm sorry." Touko had apologized many times over the past twelve days, but the words were still barbed wires as they passed through her lips. When she said that, she could never go on, as she did not know where to begin. She could apologize for not knowing what to say on the silent days. She could apologize for not knowing how to help him cope with the pain. She could apologize for not realizing what his father was doing, sooner. She could apologize for not trying harder to change his mind over what he was doing. She could apologize for failing to comfort him from the very beginning, though she did not know that he sorely needed it.

'I'm sorry' meant all of those things, and more. N knew this.

Touko took one of N's hands in hers, and his eyes drifted down to his hand, looking almost curious. Human touch seemed to be a strange thing- a pleasant thing, but an unfamiliar thing.

"I'm here. Do you need anything?" Another shake of the head, and his eyes met Touko's again.

It was the twelfth day of rehabilitation. Already he was making much progress.

The events that took place at the palace had destroyed him, utterly. When he had worked so hard for nearly a year to bring his plans to fruition- what he considered to be his own plans, at the time- they were swept away in an instant, and by one of the people that he cared for most. Though this was a blow to his confidence, this was not the one thing that brought him down. He had been defeated, though by one he acknowledged to be a worthy opponent. It was by someone he loved. That was an almost fitting end to it.

It was not that.

_You useless, warped boy!_

None of it was his own. From the moment he was born, he was simply an object for his father's plans. All of the years that he was living a child's dream, given anything that he wanted, showered with affection that seemed true. Anything, save for freedom. But he had never wanted to leave his room- he had everything there! The entire time, he was shut out from the rest of the world, fed lies by the people that he thought cared for him, and groomed to be the instrument for gaining complete power, after which he would be tossed aside, once he outgrew his usefulness.

And then his father had left. It was all too much. The truth was too much.

He retreated once again to that place of comfort, his room. Psychiatrists did their best, throwing their years of experience at him, trying to tie him down with the tethers of their textbook terms. But nothing seemed to get through to him, to penetrate those curtains behind grey eyes.

Though it was by professional recommendation that he not be seen by visitors, one had managed to slip through. The doctors were amazed- simply during the course of that initial visit, he had progressed exponentially in his treatment. The symptoms of depression were lessening, and he was much more open, willing to actually discuss his thoughts and emotions with the doctors. So, from then on, for the sake of the treatment, Touko was allowed to come and see him.

On that day, Touko felt something else begin to glow in her chest, felt something spring to life. She had not felt it in a while, not so strongly- at first, she did not even recognize it as hope.

A smile shone in N's eyes.


End file.
